Breaking News: Pelosi Talks About Torture

" Good morning. 'Torture, what did I know and when did I know it?' Does that sum it up? Waterboarding? Big deal. When you have had as many hair dye jobs and rinses as I have had waterboarding seems comparable. What about my Botox injections, hair removal, face lifts, tucks, birthing ordeals, being groped by high schoolers and older guys who looked like some of the detainees and now hear rumors of Paul's affairs? Yea there is a little 'it's my turn now'. When the CIA briefed me on torture these are the images that popped up in my mine.

I'm off to Iraq because it's too hot here."

Hamid Karzai and Hillary Clinton Conversation

President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan pulled Secretary of State Hillary Clinton aside for a quick private conversation at yesterdays state visit.

Karzai: Hey Hill, I need more money. These civilian deaths in my country caused by U.S. airstrikes are getting my people very upset and I have an election coming up and my expenses....

Hillary: Yeah,yeah,yeah ya want me to play a violin ? Bury the fuckin' dead and tell those rag heads to tape an aspirin to the wounds.

Karzai: I WANT MORE MONEY BITCH. It's going to be an additional $10,000.00 per month.

Hillary: OK, OK . Same deal? Bill's foundation gets 10% of the increase via the Afghan woman you send him each month?

Karzai: No problemo.  And I'll throw in a "no grouse" vow for deaths under 5 per U.S. airstrike.

Hillary: Bill says the Afghan woman is very experienced and novel orally speaking. I want some of that. 

Karzai: I've got a person in mind. She's yours.

Hillary: Fuckin' Americans are so stupid. We should have surrended in Afghanistan years ago but the U.S. citizens love to hate someone. So Bill and I will service the account. Later Hamid.