San Francisco Bay To Breakers Race: Alternative Reporting

About 70,000 random-urinating runners were in San Francisco's 98th Annual Bay To Breakers yesterday. The smelly majority were joined by what passes for elite dignataries for the 8 mile course. Mayor Gavin Newsom ran alongside Senator Dianne Feinstein. 

There was a group of Central American illegals who gave out free meth. Handicapped were out in force with an estimated 600 wheelchairs. Police and fire crews were accomodative. Maybe because the police and fire crews were all listening to iPods which had recorded memos from their various union steering committees on how they wanted the City to declare bankruptcy before they would give back on wages and benefits. After all the UAW workers at Chrysler are going to own 55% of the company after it emerges from UAW- caused bankruptcy proceedings. The police and fire unions think they can get title to half the City's real estate.

The World Health Organization was busy collecting urine samples off the pavement. The WHO has a thesis that within a few decades the residue of drugs in U.S. urine will contaminate all the groundwater water in the continental U.S. which will necessitate a draining of Lake Victoria and other bodies of water in Africa  to provide drinking water for America.  

On a lighter note, both Newsom and Feinstein were run over and killed by two "Hummer-Class" wheelchairs that were operated by "350-pounders" who were distracted by in route refueling of pizza. Feinstein's husband, Dick Blum retreived the Senators cell phone and credit cards but refused to identify the body. He avoided burial expenses. Newsom's body decomposed so quickly that only a leased pair of shorts from Gordon Getty Enterprises identified his remains.

There were 10 same-sex marriages during the race. But 2 divorces of those same marriages took place before the race could be completed. The Gay,Lesbian,Bisexual and Transgender Association began hurling excrement at the straights who they blamed for the 2 divorces. The straights chanted, " More AIDS, more AIDS" as they headed to the surf to clean up.

President Barack Obama has commited to running next years race. He has not decided whether to represent the secular or the spiritual world.