Jesus Talks To The Pope

Jesus:  Pope Benedict, this is your lord speaking.

Pope:  Did you get an appointment?

Jesus:  Since when did I need an appointment? Don't bother to answer the rhetorical question.

Pope:  Please cut to a short message. I'm on a recruiting mission in Africa and I'm tired.

Jesus:  I want to clarify my message and your mission. When I commisioned the original apostles to help the poor and sick I didn't say to PERPETUATE the poor and sick.

Pope:  Say what?

Jesus:  Condoms are the way to go. It's a humane way to mitigate the growth of the poor and sick.

Pope:  Well it's this way now. When you were last here there was only a few of your followers. Now the church has grown and we need more of poor and sick people to spread amongst the new gullable recruits. I.E. we need more of the poor and sick to open a yawning gap of people to make this church, which has become a quasi financial derivative incarnation of your teachings to survive. I want swarms of starving and sickly and mad people behind me who have nothing to lose so that I can march on the capitols of the world and reestablish a kind of new shoddy type of Roman Empire based on the base motivations of mankind.

Jesus:  Now I finally see what Satan was talking about.

News Release: Caterpillar World Cup Ad Features Bill Clinton

The Caterpillar Co. has signed former president Bill Clinton for an advertising spot during the upcoming soccer World Cup in South Africa in 2010. CAT figures there will be at least 2 billion real-time viewers of the game and the ad.

Briefly the ad will feature CAT's largest Waste Handling Tractor. It's known as the D10 TWH. It weighs in at 70 tons (144,000 lbs.) and has a 580 horsepower. The ad/skit will have a microphone between Bill and the D10. Bill's challange will be to get to the microphone and recite as many good deeds he did during his life. The operator of the tractor will be me. I will have a camera mounted on my construction helmet. The camera will have crosshairs aimed at his mouth. The camera will not have a deep-focus feature so if Bill wants to be recognized he will have to get very close.

Las Vegas bookmakers have published an even money bet that Bill can speak briefly enough to avoid being plowed under. It will be great fun. We all will see Bill either made into hamburger or suicidal with a loss of air time.